Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Thursday
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. Youâre telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my fatherâs pesticide company? Grow up.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, Iâm afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while Iâm sleeping.
ME: Donât be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: âŚ
ME: Night, sweetheart.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then youâll need these 15 products
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the ownerâs grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldnât the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
twitter is a journey
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: Iâm not sure what that has to do with soup, but Iâll call my broker on Monday.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. đđ
Iâm âMy dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the familyâ years old.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Oh youâre a yogi name one picnic basket youâve stolen
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking youâre trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if itâs causing them to slow down
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
Kids forever killing vibes đ
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.