Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces UPS like yoops

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.