normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
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I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.