Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

What a website

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”