Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
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Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
did it work
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.