Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

it’s finally my moment to shine

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

Which wines pair best with gloating?

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.