Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

This joke is 7 years old

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

how many bears make up a bear minimum

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

ㅤ

i’m laughing very hard in real life

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget