Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes