Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.