Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
