Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.