Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.