Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

this made my day 😂

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

Perfect.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.