do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard