I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
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[on my way back to the posting caves]
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco