Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.