whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
that lip filler tho
me irl
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’