A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Noah was an idiot.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!