Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

I think I’ll stand

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?