I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
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Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.