Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
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do horses think humans are hats
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Yes
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Feels like the fourth month in January
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.