Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

Follow me for more life hacks.

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!