Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
For the ones in the back.
Covid like
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”