Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

that colleague who touches your screen

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast