Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Tony Hawk, age 6

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent