Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.