An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
You Might Also Like
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
guys i’ve cracked the code
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible