Florida man
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I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.