What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
