From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
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When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
This is enough internet for the day.
Happy Febuary everyone!
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
checking out some reviews of my local library
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I hate everything
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.