Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
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I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready