The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
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Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Cool shirt 🙂
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.