Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.