Boating season is upon us.
You Might Also Like
Siri: Retweet me.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Happy Halloween 🎃
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Breaking news:
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.