Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

what the hell girl, sure

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

scrabbled eggs

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.