Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

This might be the funniest tweet ever

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along