Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
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age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Merica.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Whoops
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
My new favorite headline
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
