When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Printer ink is expensive
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
the greatest twitter interaction
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*