Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step