Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.