Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.