Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.