Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

Order here:
More here:

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly