Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.