Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Body by Oreos

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.