Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine