Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you have three unread messages

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron