Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
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Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.