Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution