Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

Story time

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy